HOMETOWN HERESY
Shelly ran in the house and pulled the document out of her desk. She whipped her phone out of her pocket and threw it next to the computer. It lit up. Shelly guessed she had about ten minutes. She signed the document, shoved it into the scanner and hit the button. As soon as the document popped up on her laptop, she had it attached to an email, and scribbled off the following to her attorney –
“I’ve changed my mind. Things were not what I thought. But, I regret nothing. Please execute on this immediately.”
She hit send, just as the police forced the door open with a battering ram. Shelly let her French Bulldog out the doggy door knowing it would head next door to Clint’s. He would take good care of it.
“Down on the ground,” the officer screamed. “Hands where we can see ‘em!”
Shelly went down on one knee, then the other, hands over her head.
“Down on your stomach. Hands behind your back!” they hollered.
“Jesus Christ, I’m doing it,” she mumbled.
Officer Sherman stepped forward, while a younger guy thrust his knee into her back and clasped the handcuffs on.
“Why don’t you buy me a drink first,” Shelly said with a smirk. Then she turned her head to the side and tried to exhale like she did during yoga after holding a pose.
“Shelly Baker, you’re under arrest for stealing 100 million dollars in virtual currency,” Sherman said with satisfaction.
“Do you even know what that is, Bob? Who told you to arrest me? Volt? You’re listening to tweakers now?” Shelly teased.
“How about the FBI, Shelly!” yelled Fred Sherman, Bob Sherman’s youngest and stupidest child.
“Fred, shut up and check her office. Pull all the laptops and any files that look important,” Bob replied.
“Files that look important?” Shelly laughed. “Oh my god, are you going to wait for the newspaper to arrive next, Bob? You have no idea how crypto works, so it’s best you call my lawyer and get your little puppy’s knee off my damn back. My sciatica is raging.”
Bob got real close to Shelly’s face. His own had turned bright red. “Shelly, I know you think we’re a bunch of country bumpkins, which is why you’ve been running your operation right under our noses, but hear me good. I’ll learn everything I need to learn to take you down. I’ll go back to school for computer science if I have to.”
“Right, Bob. Doesn’t Fred have to show you how to work your iPhone? And we all know, he’s not your brightest child.”
“Doesn’t matter, Shelly. I’m a year from retiring and I could use a hobby. Chasing you all over the internet sounds like as good of a pastime as any.”
“Well, lesson number one, Bob. Once a crypto transaction happens, it’s final. Doesn’t matter where it came from, only where it lands and all my babies are tucked away nicely in their beds.”
“Is that right?” Bob asked sarcastically.
“Yes, it is.” Shelly answered, not taking the bait. Another one of Sherman’s goons grabbed Shelly by the wrists and pushed her towards the door.
“You really went a different direction with that whole MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED thing, Shell. Thought you’d become a lawyer or something like that. Maybe a doctor, but here we are.”
“Yeah, well, you used to have a six pack, Bob. Now I’m pretty sure it’s hard to tie your shoes.”
Bob’s whole crew laughed at that one. Bob just got redder. Shelly’s former prom date grabbed her by the elbow and delivered her to the backseat of the cop car. This time there was no corsage.